Look at me.

I believe whenever I'm outside, I try to be the happiest I am, smiling, laughing, like there's nothing on my mind.

Many of us do that don't we? Having to put up a strong front for your juniors. Laughing at the insults said to you. Not able to cry or complain, only to be seen as a good senior, happy teenager, a good child. We always seem to ignore our feelings, bottle them up, suffering in silence. Telling ourselves that its our own battle to fight, our own war in our minds. We all worry that if we tell anyone our problems, they'll all see us differently.

But really, isn't pain, hurt, and hardships all part of life? When we fall, we get back up. We come back as a stronger person. If we just keep bandaging the hurt, and wounds, it'll never heal, and someday the bandages will come off, making it hurt even more.

I remember there was one night, a friday night, my dad was home and I had to show his my report slip to get it signed. I have already braced myself for what's about to be said to me, so I was quite prepared. When my dad saw my results he didn't shout at me, but he said pretty hurtful words to me. I've always been a strong person, words didn't really bring me down. But that day I wasn't feeling very well. Many things happened during the week, and I just ignored the feelings that were almost bursting out inside me. Those words said by my dad was like the last strum of the guitar till the string snaps. I felt like I was about to cry, so I casually walked to my room, not wanting anyone to see me cry. I still remember crying on my bed and saying I'm going to die, I'm going to die. I really don't know why I said that, really. Thinking about it know just makes me laugh. My bottled up emotions was coming out, and I couldn't put them back in. My mind was frantic and my body did things that I didn't want to do, and things that physically hurt myself even further, and so I would regret.

You see, sometimes when we suppress those feelings and pretend everything's alright, we know they're going to force out someday, and it might come out as something dangerous. But we still do it, because we want to look fine at that moment, we want to prove to ourselves that we can be strong. We want to look normal, not someone who's hurting.

I guess ultimately, we all want to be heard. To be felt, understood. But we're just worried of what others would think of us if we told them our secrets, shown our dark side. We're afraid we won't be accepted, or we will cause someone to worry about us, or we're just too afraid to do anything about our emotions. Just like how we're not afraid of the dark, we're afraid of what's in it. We're not afraid to tell someone, we're afraid of what's going to happen after that.

So maybe feelings do matter, some might hurt, but its all part of growing up. It just boils down to whether you want to deal with it your own, or with someone you trust. We might be afraid that the person we tell doesn't care, but that's another story. Telling someone sometimes helps to open that bottle and release some emotions out. Don't bottle up your emotions, as it will explode someday anyway. Be yourself. That's all that matters. :)

"We all say we want to die, but in reality, we just want to be saved."